The Last Hour of Alone

It is 3:00 pm on Friday afternoon.   May 29, 2013.   Two of our three children are at their grandparents' house - six hours away - for Spring break week.  Our seventeen-year-old son stayed back for lifeguard training this week.  This afternoon he drove himself to the community center to play basketball.  His dad is at work.  I'm on the computer.  And it dawns on me.  This is it.  This is the last time I'll be home by myself for a while again.
And I'm checking Facebook.  Really?  I tell myself I need to get off.  I look around and think, "well, what DO I want to do this last hour at the end of this week?"  I can't think of it.
I've been listening to Spotify  (all week).  It's been great.  I've been cleaning, painting, working, you know - productive things...
Gungor's "Dry Bones" is playing.
My friend and I prayed together just this morning...
As I scroll my page, a post or two reminds me of an online friend, April Karli, and I realize I haven't seen her posts lately.  Maybe it's been months.  Is she off FB?   I search.
Nope, she's still here.  She just posted her own blog two hours prior!  Her blogs have greatly encouraged me in the past.  I scroll her page.  She's notorious (to me) for sharing other writers' interesting, encouraging, and thought-provoking blogs or articles.  I've never met April in real life.  She lives in Texas and I'm not sure about Texas.  But I like April.  I keep scrolling.   I find two blogs she's shared about teen boys.   I have two teen boys and I always want to be a better mom to them.  I always feel like I could do better.  In fact, during Spring Break I was reading the book, "Boys should be boys" by Meg Meeker (great book!), wondering if I am too late?  I want the absolute best for them!  I think of that often.  Pray for it often.  God show me and show them! This is every mother's prayer, right?

Three years ago at Dunbar Cave
Josh-14  Tyler-11

They are now seventeen and fourteen; I just love them wholeheartedly.
So I read the blogs.  I'm crying.  Then...I'm bawling.
And now- I'm typing about it.

Ann Voskamp's page is still up playing the piano, and I haven't even finished reading the full post yet!  I had to pause because it was so overwhelming.   It's an awfully good feeling.  But so hard.  But I know now that this is exactly how I would choose to spend my last hour.  I want it to sink in.  I want time to drink it in.  I want to know.  I want my boys to know.  I want my daughter to know.  How this LOVE is.  This love that pierces the heart and hallows the soul.  That digs deeper, and deeper, and becomes always more meaningful.  Always more beautiful.  Oh, how I long to feel it!  The growing.


And I cannot read this post my sister sent me without crying: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/01/how-to-be-the-parent-you-want-to-be-40-things-every-child-must-know-before-they-leave-home/

So, I pause, and I read on.  I cry.  I read.  I cry on.  I count it all as gain. And as Carol Kuykendall says, "the hurt is a good hurt.  The pain is a good pain."  And as strange as it may seem, I want to FEEL it.  So...I do.   And I'm truly thankful for it.
Bettered by it.
Battered by it.
Humbled because of it.
Thankful beyond measure.
God knows.

Oh, how He must know.

Season 36: Episode 5

Love this handmade gift from my sister with all Local
Business Cards - mine included!

The Fiddlers' Festival was great!  I heard the talent was amazing, and I did get to see the cloggers, but they were just a small portion of the amazing talent that I heard filled the stage!  As a Vendor, it went well over all, I met some new Vendor friends (always good!) and some new customer friends.  I love talking to older people (like those 70+) because they have just wonderful amazing perspective on life and are full of so much KNOWLEDGE!   There was one such woman  (from Evansville, IN) who really could have been my good friend, as we were definitely kindred spirits (thank you Anne with an E), and I just really enjoyed talking with her for a half hour or so.  It seemed we could have talked on for hours.  I would have loved to visit her often, like-minded as we were, especially considering she was FULL of wisdom and I am not!  You know....not like she was.  Only going through LIFE can we gain perspective on some things.   I told her to check out this blog, so hopefully she does & comments so I know she did!
Being there made me all the more excited for the Clarksville Downtown Market!  I'm still working on stocking & restocking my inventory.  I'm excited about some new things I have coming out!

In our family, Josh (our 17 year old), passed his drivers test!  A good thing, a milestone step, but it also makes certain things more complicated, while also making other things easier.
As I am parenting a toddler and a teenager simultaneously  I can still with great honesty tell you that neither is easier than the other, they are both quite difficult in different ways!  It's an emotional roller coaster, lovely and exciting, crazy and bittersweet.

Softball started for Spring season!  We had our first practice last Sunday.  It was so much fun, but my entire body ached from it!   Ha!  Playing softball at age 36 is not for wimps!
I hope to continue to write as the seasons of life progress.  Hopefully I can continue to blog once a week through the busiest season of my year (Spring).  I have a time set aside on Mondays to do it, and so far so good.  I love it.  It is like writing a letter update to a dear friend or cousin, somewhere far off, or not so far, but close to my heart, and I am so fortunate this is you, reader & friend!

Spring-minded!

This weekend I will be vending at the Old-Time Fiddlers Festival.  After I committed to it, there were about three other invitations I received for events going on this weekend.  Popular weekend!  I am very interested to see how it is going to go at the Festival as it's supposed to last late into the night Friday and all day Saturday, again going late into that night.  I'm a little skeptical at how much time I can stay there!  (Especially since the weather is supposed to be awesome.) But, if you are near Rossview High School and enjoy Fiddlin' competitions you should definitely come check it out.  If you don't, I will be sure to let you know how it goes.

To the right is a sneak peak of some new items, styles, & colors I have coming out.  This is what my work table currently looks like (and I cleaned it this morning!).

This upcoming Friday I am taking our oldest son, Josh, for his actual driving test before her receives his official drivers licence.  We've been doing a lot of "practicing," so hopefully it will go well for him.

Spring is in the air!
Well, it is for me in my mind anyway, even though it was still bitterly cold yesterday.  I keep thinking of this quote, and I'm not quite sure where it came from:
How then can we truly appreciate the glories of Spring, if we have not indeed gone through the dead of Winter?

I'm learning (and always trying to learn) to appreciate the different seasons of life; however strange, lonely, or complicated they seem to be.

Also, I am still reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  Intense.  You should read it.  I can't really explain it, but if you read it we will have lots to talk about - because it contains life-changing content.

I've also been a Vegetarian for the past 16 days!!!  Totally accidental, of course.  Maybe that will be my next blog post! ;)

Give it up

Basketball season has ended, softball is just around the corner, then it's time for the Downtown Market!
Steadily building my inventory, I am excited about some "new products" I have created to share this upcoming season.
The Market begins May 18th.  The Vendor Fees have increased, so I do foresee that trickling into the prices of the goods, but it shouldn't be extreme.  Most vendors have always had such great prices to begin with.  That is, for handmade or home grown   These prices should be kept in line with the time it took to make or grow a product, and the money it cost to do so, for fairness.
My next vendor opportunity is the Old Time Fiddlers' show March 8th & 9th at Rossview High School.  I'm looking forward to it.  Every year I read about it in the Leaf Chronicle, but this is the first time I'll be there.  When I was nine and ten years old I took violin lessons, so I have great respect for the instrument and the talent required to play it.

Before yesterday afternoon (when a sweet friend enlightened me with a gentle reminder from the Love of God) I was thinking, thinking, thinking, stressing, and considering summer plans.  I really like to plan summer.  Our oldest son, Josh, has fortunately gotten a summer job, but they have asked him to commit to it for the summer, taking only one week off, because it is only a ten week job.  Well, that just throws a wrench into family vacation, church camps, basketball camps, and time at the grandparents' house.  I have felt so torn, how to help him have it all, knowing that the summer between his Junior & Senior year is so special.  So fleeting.  I have this fear that he won't have been given every opportunity, that he won't have experienced everything he needs to before his Senior year of high school.
How do I help?  What can I do?  The wheels in my head have been spinning and the wrench is getting worn.  It might have sounded awful in my son's head every time I tried to broach the subject, thinking we need a plan now!  I think he started avoiding me.  Still, I felt the need to tell him everything I knew about it all.
If he has to choose just one week to do what he wants to do this summer, he must choose very wisely!  Then I started trying to persuade/influence him (unknowingly, of course).
 Finally, he just said, "Stop.  Please.  Stop"
And I realized.
I (really) can't make his decision for him, ever how huge it may seem to  me.
NO coercing.   No persuading.  No intellectual/experiential advice.
It suddenly feels like when I put him on the bus for kindergarten that first day.  When my heart fell to my stomach as I realized I had to let go.  That he was going.  Then he was gone.
Nothing prepares you for that with your first child, whenever it happens.  As it continues to happen.
Nothing.
And though it is supposed to happen, and we can enjoy the process, it is soooooooooo bittersweet.
He has to make his own choices.  Though my intentions are good-- in wanting to be a loving, informative, giving mom--- I have to let go and give it up.  (My friend's words, "give it up.")  I knew exactly what she meant as the wrench was torn from my heart.
It's a scary thing.
Have I prepared him?
Have I taught him everything I know?
And who?  Just who do I think I am? I'm having to trust that I have done the best with what I have known.  Yet, believing and trusting that God will do much much more than I could have dreamed of doing.  That He will provide every good thing my son needs.  That He will take him to and through things that will forever change the man, and that He will teach and teach and teach him more.
I know it seems like I should have been prepared for this, but unbeknownst to me, this is one of those things that can only be experienced to be understood.  Fully felt.

Crazily, it is our greatest hope as parents is that when the time comes we can truly let go and give it up - stand back with tears in our eyes - and watch them fly.

My Hope.

So I waited.  Eight long days.   I prayed, but not nearly as much as I should have have.  I learned that I needed to pray more.   About many things.  SO many things.  That I should pray without ceasing.  I cease far to often!  I should pray.

I MUST pray.

Then he goes away for two days.
He returns.
He says he knows what he is doing now.
He has chosen.

Whatever.  I am content with whatever decision he has made.  Because I know it is God's hand.  God's will.  Our trust.  Amazingly led.  All along.  Praise God.  Thank You God.

Josh chose to go on the mission trip to World Changers: Puerto Rico with the Relevant Students group this summer.

Tell Them / Speak Life

We are temporarily down to one vehicle again.  So, I am currently utilizing public transportation.  The buses here are great, clean, affordable, and not that crowded.  I've only been on one other city's bus to compare though.  In Mexico we took their city bus to Market 29 to get some great deals from locals on souvenirs (if you buy souvenirs close to the resorts, you'll pay double).  That bus was CAH-RAZY.  The locals use it every day and they just cram into it to get to work, or home.  It felt extremely illegal.  But since we were sitting and it kept getting squishier, there was not getting off.  We had people holding on while hanging out the front door of the bus, and people at passing bus stops were still trying to flag our bus down to get on!  (Eye opening....considering most people  I know (myself included) have the luxury of riding around in a five to seven passenger vehicle with a/c and heat).
All this to say that Clarksville buses rarely have this problem.  I've been taking it nearly every day.  It allows for exercise, fresh air, some thinking time while waiting or riding, and personally I enjoy it.
But it also does something else for me.  It's humbling.  Many times I overhear people talking about how they are trying to just get a job, or a GED, or place of their own.  The bus I ride is en route to the local medical clinic that charges based on income, so a lot of people riding are in need of medical care also.
So it was last week when I got on the bus and heard a young lady talking loudly to a guy friend sitting in front of her.  She was in a wheel chair, and she may have been missing part of one leg, but I didn't want to stare, so I walked past her and sat down two seats behind.
She was talking so loud and so much, I went to put my earphones on to resume listening to music.  But then I could hear her over the earphone music, and Tobymac's song Speak Life came on, so I felt compelled to listen.  She was telling stories of her childhood, wrought with emotional abuse.  The stories were supposed to be funny, as she was loud in proclaiming them.  But every once in a while she would look out the window and I could see her eye.  And I knew that she knew.  She knew that the life she'd been brought up in didn't make sense.  That it wasn't right, but it had made and shaped her and she had resigned herself to it.  I could see the pain in her eye even as she laughed and loudly recounted the stories of her family's dysfunction.  She knew, somewhere deep down, that this childhood she'd had wasn't "good."
Then I thought of Tobymac's song and I wondered, "how can I speak life to her? I'm not even engaged in the conversation.  She doesn't know me!"
But I imagined for a second myself walking up to the seat across from her and time slowing for the moment, as I seriously told her what God wanted me to: "I have been sitting behind you listening to your stories and I feel God wants me to tell this:  You are so worthy.  You are beautiful.  You are valuable and you are wise. The experiences you have been describing don't sound stable, and so I sensed that God wanted me to tell you how truly wonderful you are."
Then I really wanted to tell her!  She need to hear it!
But then, I wondered, how would she respond to that?  I didn't want to offend her.
And I lost my nerve.
So, I just prayed that she would know it somehow, as I sat there wondering who would tell her.
I felt everything the opposite of brave.

Is it possible (for ordinaries) to speak life to total strangers?  I've heard stories of evangelistic people doing that.  Is it Personality? Gifting? Or simply being equipped with courage while being obedient to God?  What are some instances in your life where you have followed the Holy Spirit's prompting in a situation that seemed uncomfortable?  How did it turn out?

I know I don't want to be ordinary.  I want to be a rebel.  An ordinary rebel.  A fool.  A crazy God-loving kid, who is NOT afraid to speak the truth to perfect strangers.  I desire to speak LIFE.
Oh God, please give me the courage.

The Passengers Seat

When my website went down for a few months I kept trying to figure out what was wrong, and honestly considered deleting it.  It's actually a blog anyway.  But I was not using it like a blog, or like a business website either.  Then I just wasn't using it at all.  So, I didn't know what the point was.  I missed my old blog: Blue Moments.  There, I was able just to express myself and write whatever I felt like.  It was like a freeing outlet and I felt connected with those who read about my life: the ups and downs.  I can think of a few friends who I grew closer to just because they read and heard my heart, as I wrote my life.
And ideally, it would be great to have two blogs.  One to report my business stuff (because sometimes I feel like there is SO MUCH good stuff to share!) and the other to write the ponderings that reveal themselves to me in the bluest moment of the day, the moment that feeling washes over me and time stands still.
But, Lord knows I can't keep up with two blogs!
So, I'm bringing my Blue Moments here.  That could mean I could be posting more often <gasp!> and I know it might be a bit confusing to people looking for a business website.  But I'm making the best possible choice I can right now.  So, if people come looking for Laundry Soap and find themselves reading about my son's basketball experience his junior, then okay.  I apologize now, I guess?  ha!

Riding on the passenger side.

Speaking of Josh, he'll be driving on his own soon.  He's had his trainers permit for nearly six months now.  I'm starting to enjoy having a chauffeur.   In the past we had  never encouraged him to get his permit, we figured he'd just do it when he was ready.  Which turned out to be about 16 1/2.  We just thought he'd be fine riding the bus, walking, or biking to his destinations.  Which was true, for the most part.  But the bus doesn't run on Sundays and it can't get him to and from basketball games.  So, yes, I am about to say it:  I'm looking forward (in some ways) to him driving himself.  He's a very cautious driver, so I'm not concerned there.  But he does have a really strange sense of direction (or lack thereof), so I am interested to see where he ends up!  But for now, I'm trying to relish the moments in the car with him.  This is a short (six month) season of life, where your child drives you around, and then they get their licence and you don't ever have to let them drive you again.  So, I'm storing these precious times in my heart.

Parenting is such an amazing experience!  Children are constantly teaching us, even if it seems we should be teaching them.  I am still learning how to learn.  Maybe I always will be, until the end of my days on Earth.  Oh, but it will not end there.  I can continue to learn in Heaven!  Oh, yes!  I have been reading this AMAZING book by Randy Alcorn, entitled "Heaven."  A small group meets to discuss it.  It's mind-blowing, really.  I can't tell you about it, you will just have to read it on your own.  But it will change your perspective, and ultimately your life.

Other than that book club, I have little spiritual community in my life, besides my accountability sisters, two who are the closest to me, and a handful that live in the area, and many more who live all across America.
It is a bit strange, this season, as other seasons I have been sooooo involved in ministries and had amazing Christian families that met together regularly.  My heart sometimes aches for that, and yet I know this is the season of my life that God has ordained and is using for His purposes.  I suppose we cannot understand fully the depth of Faith, in the shallow or the deep sense.  How often I wonder though if I am spinning my wheels, or listening well, or not asking the right questions, or, or, or........
And then I hear, "Be faithful with what I have given you."
And my heart crumbles as I am humbled.

Of course.  I have been given so much.  A wonderful husband, amazing children, warm-hearted friends, a home to care for, puppies, and my little Unearthed Roots venture.  That's so much!  Am I being faithful with all that I have been given?  Sometimes I just want to do more, more, more!  I want to do something that matters!  Something with others!  Something that I can see some results of!  Ouch.  Woah.  There it is.  I have been given so much, and here I am wanting more, just because I have experienced more.  I know I should just appreciate.
Give thanks.

And that is where I am, here on my knees again.
Learning to give thanks.
Eucharisteo.
Amen.

Reconnected!

Reunited and it feels so good!

Often, I have heard my mother-in-law's voice, "Jenna, I have not seen you post a new blog in a very long time."  Then I imagine myself explaining that Yeah, I need to fix that.
I can't believe I am going to say this:  I sort of miss her nagging.
She nagged in a nice way.  And were she still alive, she would have pestered me enough to get my website back up shortly after it went down!  She would have.
And here I am, months later, just now tending to it.  Good grief!
But, now it's better, and we are back up and running!
I miss my friends, from the Downtown Market: Jim, Becky, Yolanda, Nick, and so many others.
But my inventory is getting stocked, and my family seems healthy & intact.
We are in full swing of the boys' basketball season.  Our darling daughter just started gymnastics.  The puppies eat, grow, terrorize me, and poop.  A lot.  Hey.  This is life, uncensored.  Well, somewhat.
Check out my Etsy shop!  I'm trying to save funds (already) for the boys' missions/camps this summer.  More info on that to come!  Thanks for being patient though and coming back by my site!!!!