Monday, February 25, 2013

Give it up

Basketball season has ended, softball is just around the corner, then it's time for the Downtown Market!
Steadily building my inventory, I am excited about some "new products" I have created to share this upcoming season.
The Market begins May 18th.  The Vendor Fees have increased, so I do foresee that trickling into the prices of the goods, but it shouldn't be extreme.  Most vendors have always had such great prices to begin with.  That is, for handmade or home grown   These prices should be kept in line with the time it took to make or grow a product, and the money it cost to do so, for fairness.
My next vendor opportunity is the Old Time Fiddlers' show March 8th & 9th at Rossview High School.  I'm looking forward to it.  Every year I read about it in the Leaf Chronicle, but this is the first time I'll be there.  When I was nine and ten years old I took violin lessons, so I have great respect for the instrument and the talent required to play it.

Before yesterday afternoon (when a sweet friend enlightened me with a gentle reminder from the Love of God) I was thinking, thinking, thinking, stressing, and considering summer plans.  I really like to plan summer.  Our oldest son, Josh, has fortunately gotten a summer job, but they have asked him to commit to it for the summer, taking only one week off, because it is only a ten week job.  Well, that just throws a wrench into family vacation, church camps, basketball camps, and time at the grandparents' house.  I have felt so torn, how to help him have it all, knowing that the summer between his Junior & Senior year is so special.  So fleeting.  I have this fear that he won't have been given every opportunity, that he won't have experienced everything he needs to before his Senior year of high school.
How do I help?  What can I do?  The wheels in my head have been spinning and the wrench is getting worn.  It might have sounded awful in my son's head every time I tried to broach the subject, thinking we need a plan now!  I think he started avoiding me.  Still, I felt the need to tell him everything I knew about it all.
If he has to choose just one week to do what he wants to do this summer, he must choose very wisely!  Then I started trying to persuade/influence him (unknowingly, of course).
 Finally, he just said, "Stop.  Please.  Stop"
And I realized.
I (really) can't make his decision for him, ever how huge it may seem to  me.
NO coercing.   No persuading.  No intellectual/experiential advice.
It suddenly feels like when I put him on the bus for kindergarten that first day.  When my heart fell to my stomach as I realized I had to let go.  That he was going.  Then he was gone.
Nothing prepares you for that with your first child, whenever it happens.  As it continues to happen.
And though it is supposed to happen, and we can enjoy the process, it is soooooooooo bittersweet.
He has to make his own choices.  Though my intentions are good-- in wanting to be a loving, informative, giving mom--- I have to let go and give it up.  (My friend's words, "give it up.")  I knew exactly what she meant as the wrench was torn from my heart.
It's a scary thing.
Have I prepared him?
Have I taught him everything I know?
And who?  Just who do I think I am? I'm having to trust that I have done the best with what I have known.  Yet, believing and trusting that God will do much much more than I could have dreamed of doing.  That He will provide every good thing my son needs.  That He will take him to and through things that will forever change the man, and that He will teach and teach and teach him more.
I know it seems like I should have been prepared for this, but unbeknownst to me, this is one of those things that can only be experienced to be understood.  Fully felt.

Crazily, it is our greatest hope as parents is that when the time comes we can truly let go and give it up - stand back with tears in our eyes - and watch them fly.

My Hope.

So I waited.  Eight long days.   I prayed, but not nearly as much as I should have have.  I learned that I needed to pray more.   About many things.  SO many things.  That I should pray without ceasing.  I cease far to often!  I should pray.

I MUST pray.

Then he goes away for two days.
He returns.
He says he knows what he is doing now.
He has chosen.

Whatever.  I am content with whatever decision he has made.  Because I know it is God's hand.  God's will.  Our trust.  Amazingly led.  All along.  Praise God.  Thank You God.

Josh chose to go on the mission trip to World Changers: Puerto Rico with the Relevant Students group this summer.

1 comment:

  1. Yay!! I'm so glad that is what he chose!! :)