i must to cling to Your promises and Your words
that speak the truth about me
i am exposed and today i do not care
what does it matter?
i would have given it all up, like You asked me to
i was willing and You knew it!
I was, and still am, willing to do whatever You ask of me.
That damn nacre.
i can grow hard, even in loving you
or i can heal
while You protect me
and grieve with me.
today i shed all pretenses of what i thought i knew
when I was shaken and suffering
You reached in and rescued me
You saved my life. To bring me here. To give me joy.
To overflow my cup of life abundantly.
Even knowing my heart would sacrifice to this outcome-
and You knew the pain it would bring me
how it would come close to consume me
and how I would question and wrestle the nonsense of it all
Still- You also knew I would know better
than to be tempted to submit to anything other than You.
By now, I know.
Nothing else will satisfy. No drink. No food. No drug.
Not one person can hold me.
You always do.
I am leaning in. I am listening. I am waiting.
I am searching and groping in the dark.
I am desperate. I care so much less about everything unimportant.
I care so much less about what they'll say or think
If they'll balk or gasp, or whisper, or feel so sorry for me
Or if they'll even care.
i am stripped of all pride, of all dignity
what You God - what you alone SAY- stands
in the chasm of this pain
and I believe You will not waste this.