We stayed at home all day today. Since that rarely happens, it's notable. I'm cleaning out Brielle's room. We've hoped to paint it all summer, but now with so little time left, it feels like "crunch time." Time to prepare. Time to fit it all in. Time to enjoy every last second. Time to do something fun!
For me, that every last second is an all-encompassing time. Josh will go into his Senior year of high school. Tyler will enter as a freshman. And Brielle will begin Kindergarten - at a public school, something I never thought would happen. I can't read the above sentences without getting choked up and tears making their way back again. Earlier this afternoon, I had a moment. While cleaning B's room I got to the books and had to stop. I realized that I've been collecting (used) books for years with the intent to homeschool her. I imagined teaching her, spending out our days learning, delving, exploring - right now- when she's just a sweet little sponge. Before she dislikes learning any particular subject.
I thought I was at peace with our decision, and now my mind is like a whirlwind of second-guessing everything! Should we really be sending her off to public school? Should I be driving half-way across town to take Tyler to different school- just because we believe he's being given a greater opportunity? Even if he dislikes the whole idea immensely? Are we making the best decisions as parents with these children God has entrusted to us?
Parenting is such an emotional event sometimes. Last night I was reading my friend's blog and thought, wow..... She is doing exactly what she's supposed to be doing and she knows it. AND she LOVES it! (She's homeschooling, of course.) When I was a young mom with children, I had no idea there were other options than public school (unless you could afford private school). Yet, when I put our firstborn on the bus that first day, my heart fell to my stomach. I felt it fall. I released him to the world, and it scared and baffled me. That was twelve years ago.
Now that I'm older, I know more things. My mommy-friends know things also. They and I have talked about such. We've felt torn and questioned everything. We love our children immensely and desire the absolute best for them. We've prayed and prayed. Some of them chose to homeschool, some public school, and some private school.
Sometimes I am afraid I feel jealous. This pains me, as deep down I know we all make the best decisions -for our unique families.
I'm still cleaning B's bedroom and she is all over the place, making messes in the living room, then the kitchen and I get frustrated. Honestly, why all the mess? I think to myself I should have waited until she started school: then I could clean without distractions. I want school to start and I feel guilty. Was I not just crying to homeschool her? I'm so confused.
Then this song comes on and I realize.
I am moving into new ministry position this Fall, one that I have been a part of the past five years, but will now be directing. I'm certain this is God's plan and place for me. I know I need to be available for our teen sons. I know God gave me this wonderful life, full of blessings and responsibilities that He has entrusted me with. I know He has a plan and a purpose. And I know that trusting Him this upcoming year - and every consecutive year - is absolutely necessary. I inhale deeply. I exhale through tears of joy and I praise Him for the blessings that I have been given. Thank You God- Thank You God.
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