Were we trying to get pregnant? No. We weren't trying when we conceived Joshua or Brielle either.
Did we desire another child? When we learned we were pregnant, yes. We desired our child.
Did we know she was a girl? No, we lost her at about nine weeks gestation.
Does the gender part matter? No. I read somewhere that it might provide peace & closure to name the baby. The only name I was sure God had given was: Everlei Joy, and that's a girl's name. I have peace about that.
Would I have done anything differently, knowing what I know now?
No. I certainly do not believe that I caused this miscarriage, nor that I could've done anything to have prevented it from happening. I made all of my decisions based on my best knowledge and experience (which was also backed up by my trusted midwife). Unfortunately, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and 40% of women over the age of 40 miscarry. In all the research I've done - there are no medical explanations.
So, the running? The backpacking? A friend (who recently told me of her miscarriage) shared this with me: When I asked my Doctor if I caused it through strenuous activity, he said, "If you could cause a miscarriage so easily there would not be abortion clinics across the country. You can't cause the pregnancy to end any more than you can cause it to happen." I hate to add that terminology here, but it does make sense, and further confirms what I already knew.
Also - I did backpack when I thought I was ten weeks pregnant, but the baby had already passed at nine weeks gestation. She measured 7w 4d on the 11 week ultrasound, and since we'd seen a heartbeat at 8 weeks, this is the conclusion the midwives arrived at.
Why would God allow me to get pregnant, then allow a miscarriage? (especially at our ages of 41 & 42)
I don't know. I will maybe ask Him, and trust Him to tell me when I'm ready - which could be weeks or years from now. Or, He may never really explain it. I will still trust Him and His plans.
Do I blame God?
No. I do think it's OK to be angry and unleash it to Him. I'm not afraid to be angry AT Him either. I know He understands and is able to handle all of my emotions.
What happens next?
I plan to continue to grieve and mourn this loss until...?
I have clung to scripture that God continues to give me. I'll seek time alone with Him to heal my heart and minister to my soul.
I will continue writing- my therapy.
I'll seek opportunities to share my experience of this grief and suffering (and eventually hope) to those God brings me.
I will always believe that what the enemy intends for harm - that God will use for Good. Genesis 50:20
I lay it all at His feet.
I am the Lord's servant.